GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
You Might Also Like
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…