If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
So the ex texted me
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.