WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
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We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain