I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.