Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
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Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.