You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
buying dead houseplants to save time
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
my dad has had enough
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE