The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go