my friends when i can’t do basic math
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
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I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.