Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I cannot stop laughing at this
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.