After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.