I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
23. the denim jacket
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me