TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
New menu item
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
*limbos under the caution tape