Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
The options really are this bad
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
felt that
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
dictator is short for richard potato
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.