I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.