*orders delivery*
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Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Had an epiphany today.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea