Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Spider-cat: No One Home
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
me linking you to my twitter
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*