me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Plant care tips
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me