After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Jail
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*