Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I only treason on days ending in y
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies