A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
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I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.