“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.