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There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
two people or more is called a problem
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.