“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
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a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
#oldknees
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.