Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe