Time for evil
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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”