I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Sex so good you see dead people.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
When ur friends with white people
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Someone just threatened to call me later
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex