The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.