Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.