you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
You look like you would fail a DNA test
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.