A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
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Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.