Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
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[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.