What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’m an asshole.
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