What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
where the womens at?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.