Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
You Might Also Like
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain