Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Them: Just act casual
Me:
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Don’t tell me what to do
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD