How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
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ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
No Google it does not
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.