Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.