MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
X-tra spooky blend
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Hero horse inspires millions