Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
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Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.