“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!