Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
You Might Also Like
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots