Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.