There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
So inspired right now.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?