[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
finally
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
looks legit
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.