FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?