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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?