The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.