Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.