I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Plant care tips
We’ve come full circle
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!