the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
How to woo a woman
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*puts cutlery down*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest